Relationship Anxiety

Discussion in 'Help with Life' started by -Xero-, Jul 26, 2015.

  1. -Xero- Twilight Town Denizen

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    I've been in this relationship with my boyfriend for 4 months; he is probably the best thing that's ever found its way into my life. He is so nice to me and he is just more than I could ever ask for. But, due to my anxiety, I start to think things and make up stupid scenarios.

    Why do I do this? Because past relationships still have me paranoid about things... He could be lying to me, he could be going behind my back, he could not actually like me, etc. Now don't get me wrong, I trust him with my life. But the thoughts are always there saying there's a possibility; even when I know it's not true in the least.

    I want to get over this anxiety about my past relationships repeating themselves with this one... But I'm not entirely sure how. I'm so afraid of screwing up. I have talked to him about my past relationships and he knows of my anxiety about things like this and other stuff. He says it's all completely understandable and that it's fine. But I still hate that I do this.

    I'm not sure how to stop it. Does anybody have advice for this kind of thing..?
     
  2. ♥♦♣♠Luxord♥♦♣♠ Chaser

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    I've been on the "answering" side of this multiple times in my own relationship. First of all, before I say anything this is all just my perspective on things. So I'll just break this down.

    I'll answer some of these questions with the following information: You trust this person, care about them, etc. So with that in mind.

    • Could he be lying to you?

      In many cases I find that its better to actually ask a question that makes a little more sense. Such as: "What reason would he have to lie to you?". Assuming you two are both open with each other, and by extension rely on each other when it comes to sharing personal stuff/venting. Then he has no reason to lie to you. Relationships work both ways. You help each other in a sense. Like ask yourself this: "Am I lying to him?". Assuming the answer is no (which it probably is) then all you have to do is ask why. All of your answers will most likely apply to this person as well.

    • Is he going behind your back?

      To do what exactly? Now I am not going to ignore the fact that there are some bad people out there who may cheat/do other things to hurt people, but if you really know this person (which you probably do) you can yet again ask. Why would he even want to cheat on you? A common point when answering that question usually leads to some self confidence issues. Like "I am not good enough so he will find somebody else", but (and I am not saying this is how you think, it is just an example) that is most likely not how you think. I adore my girlfriend, and nothing she says about herself will ever change that. I am sure he feels the same way.

    • Does he actually like me?

      Assuming this person is "good" and whatnot, which I am sure he is. Why would he pretend to like someone? I mean good lord, faking a relationship actually seems harder than having a real one, and if someone was faking such a thing, you would assume the truth would eventually come to the surface. Which would be a gigantic waste of time for both parties, and almost nothing would be gained from either side.
    Now don't get me wrong, I don't blame you for having doubts. It is perfectly natural, and I am also not saying you should marry this person because they are an angel sent down especially for you. Only time will tell if these things work out, but I can tell you this. If you are too caught up on the "what ifs" you will actually miss a lot of opportunities to grow your bond with this person. I am sure you will be able to work through your doubts and just see how things go in the future.

    I will say this though, don't make the mistake of "hiding in your shell" forever, because there is a lot of cool stuff you will miss out on along the way :D
     
  3. Misty gimme kiss

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    I'll also add that it can be helpful to simply voice and discuss your fears and anxieties to your boyfriend. Princess gave you some great advice to talk yourself down, but if something is still eating at you, a quick talk with your boyfriend can often belay those fears. If he does care about you and is patient, which he should be, I'm sure he'll be happy to do it.

    Poor past relationships can cast long shadows in our lives but they're not inescapable. If your anxiety is very serious and begins to affect your relationship, you might want to consider going to therapy or counseling -- nothing serious or scary, but having someone to help you wade through and make peace with the past can be a big help.
     
  4. -Xero- Twilight Town Denizen

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    I have constantly been asking my mom to take me to my old therapist, but she doesn't call or do anything. I would do it myself, but I don't have the number and I keep forgetting to ask for it. I have planned to bring up my relationship anxieties whenever I finally went to go see her again.

    I'm going to try and follow Princess's advice. Hopefully it will help, I'm sure it will do something for me.

    Thanks.
     
  5. ♥♦♣♠Luxord♥♦♣♠ Chaser

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    Also this ^^^

    Communication is everything, this cannot be overstated.
     
  6. Magick ~Meaner then my demons~

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    All of this. Misty always gives excellent advice, even if she's forever fifteen.

    Communication in a relationship should never be underrated. Yes he could lie. Yes he could cheat. But being in a relationship is about taking a risk with another person. We don't do it because we want to be safe, we do it because we want to find someone to spend the rest of our lives with. That much happiness has to come with a cost. If he's doing something to make you suspicious, take a moment and think about it. Ask yourself if it's really a valid reason to be upset. If you still think it is hours later, then bring it up to him.
    Trust is absolutely necessary for a relationship to work.
    I'm pretty much reiterating what Princess and Misty said.

    Also, if you want to see a counselor, there are ways. My mother didn't support me going at all, so I understand the complexities of wanting help and being unable to receive it. However, if you are part of a high school or college/university, most of them will offer free counseling and support to you, as a student. High school counselors don't have to reveal anything to your parents, either. If that' s not an option, and you have insurance, check with your company to see what they cover. Some plans will have very little copay, or none at all, for certain types of counseling.
    If you don't have insurance, there are some places that will do it pro bono, though they can be rare.

    Finally, if none of that works for you, ask your mom why she doesn't want you to go. If it's because of the cost, check with insurance, or tell her you'll help or pay all of it. If it's because of the stigma, explain that there's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to talk to a professional about your problems. Many people only go to a couple sessions.

    I hope this all helps you.
     
  7. Ienzo ((̲̅ ̲̅(̲̅C̲̅r̲̅a̲̅y̲̅o̲̅l̲̲̅̅a̲̅( ̲̅̅((>

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    All this advice is absolutely brilliant, my boyfriend gets the exact same anxieties about me, he loves me dearly but he gets them and he voices them which allows me to disarm him and tell him how much he means to me and although he might not listen and take in how much I love him the first time I say it, he may understand when I tell him the hundredth time or the a thousandth time. If you voice it to him, he can comfort you and show you the love you need. Don't feel bad for these anxieties, they are just thoughts, thoughts shaped from bad experiences, thoughts build to protect us but protect us from the good as well as the bad- they're misinformed. They are perfectly natural but they will go with time if you are treated properly. I can't say how much time exactly as everyone is different but remember, they are just thoughts, you are separate from your thoughts- your brain just generates thoughts none stop. We believe a lot of the things it says when really it's just stuff our brain churned out while we weren't looking.

    Anyway, it's okay, communication is key and don't feel bad about having these thoughts :3