Ventilation to the Max: Life

warning: everything doesn't really make sense.

what do you do when you can't even cry? that the emotions you feel are so overwhelming that death seems like the only way to escape? what do you do when you're surrounded by people who are constantly aggravated over the silliest things? what do you do when you should scream but you find yourself speechless? what do you do when the most unexpected thing could happen? what do you do when your mood changes like crazy every day? what do you do when it feels like nobody is listening? what do you do when it feels like they hear the wrong things? what do you do when sorry isn't good enough? what do you do when there seems to be an easy way out? what do you do when you can't think straight? what do you do when you feel hurt? what do you do when crying seems stupid? what do you do when you can't see your future? what do you do when you can't stand life? what do you do?

so much stuff has been happening lately. and i feel like nothing is right. i can't seem to grasp onto any positive aspect in my life. and it feels like it's only going to get worse. i wish i could fix it all. but how can i when some of my problems are because of how other people feel towards me? i want to smoke or cut or something. i want to get my mind off all of this. and i don't even know if i'm going to post this forum or not because i'm just venting to people i hardly know. to people who can't see me or touch me. and yet i'm surrounded by people who i should feel loved by, and yet i feel like my own family are greater strangers to me than the people reading this. because if you are reading this, feel special, you know me better than my own parents. ha, jk.

hmm some problems?
family- mother has been unleashing some crazy anger stuff. she and my uncle haven't been getting along since my grandpa remarried. she's really stressed and i can never talk to her anymore without getting into an argument. she doesn't even say hi. she's like a zombie.
friends- my best friend just cussed me out yesterday. over something i still don't understand. i let her yell at me just because i didn't want to make it an argument. did i do the right thing? i don't know, because now we're not even friends. and i don't want our friends to have a hard time between us, i hate drama.
school- i just found out i was "misplaced" into one of my ap classes. what the freakin hell, what type of dumbass teacher would do that. gosh, so now i have to do really well on my next test and if i don't i'm prob kicked out of class. worst thing, i'm struggling a lot in that class.
more friends- my friends keep turning to me for advice and just venting. i don't mind, but now it's just getting freakin annoying. their stories never change, and it seems like they're not making any effort to improve their own lives. i wish they would stop talking about it and become a little more proactive.
art- i quit violin. weird choice after 12 years of violin. i don't miss it, but now it's like i don't have any unique talent. nothing sets me apart and i'm definitely not used to that. i kinda started art classes again but it's so hard to keep up now that school is getting a tad busier.
more school- i'm in a reg english class. first non-honors class since like, never. and i'm surrounded by like ridiculously dense people. i can't stand it, i need depth! i need to talk about deeper ideas and more emotions. not just the crust/ thin layer of "facts"
temptations- i'm surrounded by drugs, sex, alcohol. i'm straight-edge but with all this stress i always feel like turning to one of these. i don't know what's kept me away from all of this for so long.
me- i'm lazy, procrastinator to the max. i will promise to try harder and finish my homework. but gosh, promises like that scare me.

i'm not depressed. i'm just stressed.
i'm confused and stressed.

and although i'm surrounded by so many people and so much laughter everyday, i can't help to be empty inside. no purpose. no joy. and maybe i am just a teenager but i can still feel love. i can still feel worthy. i can feel useful and strong. what is my point here? i don't know.

don't reply with an "i'm sorry, i know how you feel"
i'm numb to that crap.
i want something real, something that will snap me out of this.
something legit.
peace.

 

Well, being a 15 year old english boy im not sure what to say, but ill do so anyway;

Ive felt tiny bits of what you've done up there, but compared to what ive felt, mine is nothing :P

But as you say coming on a forums knowing barely anybody and spilling your thoughts and stuff out possibly isnt the best idea, but i doubt anybody on this forums is nasty so i dont think theres much of a problem. But if it is really bad then seek out help from a counsellor thing, and just get stuff of your chest?

Alcohol and drugs and stuff is the easy way out, though not necessarily bad bad. Just relax =]??

One step at a time, and day by day, just put things right and if things dont work i guess you will just have to move on :s.

Whatever you choose to do or how to deal with everything, good luck and hope you feel better soon?

 

Rawr, hahannuh the asian beauty is back. Looks like Alice is no longer needed ;D

Anyways, Friend-wise I think you should ty to tell them that if they dont wanna change, then they should solve things themselves. Sounds harsh but that's life. As for your ex-friend, try to talk with them anyway possible. Let them know that you really have no clue whats happening.

In school, Try to see if you can get changed to an honors english class. That way you can talk to more intelligent people. Also, you should probably quit the violin for a while and use that time to study for the AP class so you can stay in it. Once that gets settled down, you can look for something else that'll make you unique if you really feel that you have to be.

I dont have much advice for at home since I dont know your family or anything. That much you'll have to figure out on your own. But try to do extra nice stuff for your mom like help cook or clean or something.

You're a pretty and smart girl so im sure you'll get your life back to your liking in no time. Just dont do anything bad like drinking, smoking, cutting, etc. Now head into life head on hahannuh! GO GO GO!

 

thanks guys. i think i was feeling just really overwhelmed that night. yeah, friend problems have definitely settled down... i basically told one of my friends how annoying she was for just talking. she got the point and doesn't talk about it anymore and i truly think she's getting the best out of it by keeping her mind off of it. i'm not gonna turn to alcohol, sex, or drugs no matter how bad any of this gets, and this weekend my friends are gonna help me study for ap physics so hopefully i won't fail on the test. hahaaha. wish me luck and thanks again.

 

Hurray for hahannuh ^_^. I knew things would start to work out for you. Good luck in AP physics, that stuff is a toughie.