You calmly and carefully explain that you are certain that there is nothing wrong that a hospital couldn't fix. Based purely on the response you receive from that person who you can only see as a blur through tears on one side and at a funny angle on the other you think that you may perhaps have been disproportionately staid in your response. It could be that you were swearing like a sailor up until they started talking to you and it could be something on your face. You ask if there's something on your face. Blood is. They tell you that it's blood (a lot). You would grimace, but you already are grimacing pretty hard. You then ask why they're looking at you like that (you know, the way you can't tell they are but are sure they are). They pause, start talking and then finally person you cannot really see offers to drive you to the emergency room. It's close and used to dealing with head trauma.
 Accept and go get in that stranger's car.
 Refeuse and call the EMTs.
 Walk to the hospital yourself.
You extend the last syllable you were in the middle of when it finally hits you that she's asking for your name. You're pretty sure it's not an "uh" but you think that it was an "ah" or an "er". Either way you slide it into a new topic with much the grace of an awkward teen's first sexual experience. You tell her that your name is a sidewalk and that you already left. In the not inconsiderable time between you realizing your mistake and her realizing your mistake, you start walking while waving.
You've made it out of that circle of hell. She waves back with the awkwardness of the aforementioned teenager. You're great at making things awkward, just like when you actually were in college. You're suddenly acutely aware of where you are again. It's only been a few years since you graduated but you defintiely felt like it was a lifetime ago. Your time in college was both some of the best years of your life and the biggest letdown it possibly could have been.
You never ended up doing ninety nine percent of the things you'd heard that you were supposed to do in college. You didn't even have your first beer or go to a college party until you were halfway across the stage at graduation, practically. You start thinking more about what you've done since college. It's a lot faster because it's a lot less but midthought you stop either way. It's not like you wanted to stop lamenting your misspent youth. No, you actually tend to do it a lot. Especially when you see people 3 years younger than you. No, no. The thing that stopped you was something entirely else.
It was a stop sign. You dolt, you just walked into a stop sign. You're now swearing up a storm and your vision out of your left eye seems to be transposed about thirty degrees up from your right. Fresh hell. Someone stops to ask you what happened.
You tell them...
 Nothing is alright, you need a hospital.
 Everything is fine, you don't need help.
 You're part of an art installation.
You break the awkward silence with another question. An unrelated question. That question. The one you just thought of. What is her deal? She's a student. Duh. She's a grad student. Duh? She's studying some kind of Math you blocked out in college. Wow. She doesn't go out to party or anything. Sure. She doesn't like talking about herself with strangers. Okay. You tell her that they don't seem to come stranger than you when she pauses. She extends the pause, but doesn't let it progress into full blown silence. No way would she let something so convenient occur. She instead asks you about yourself again. This time just a generic one. You tell her you're boring and you don't do much other than study and hide in foliage. She laughs at you. Well maybe your joke. But you're pretty sure it's you at this point.
You get the feeling that she knows you're lying but doesn't really care. It's somewhere between looking down at you and finding you amusing. Or like finding you amusing the way people find comedians or clowns amusing perhaps. Is that a good or a bad thing? Are you a clown or a comedian? She's still there. You finally add that you may have mistakenly overheard something that happened in the room over behind you and ask if she wants to hear. She said she was there. You act like you acting unsurprised because you were surprised but not really because you're unsurprised because you knew that. She buys it. Or your acting looped back in on itself so much that it doesn't matter if she bought it. She asks what you thought. Not your problem. Wow. She expected something else because she started laughing again. You really need to look into that clown/comedian thing soon.
At this point, you think that it's a good time to not be here in a location (physically) where you can get caught snooping around. Not to mention that you're in a position (metaphorically) that you find uncomfortable and stressful. But you're stuck (socially) in the conversation which is keeping you there (geographically), so you need to think (critically) to escape (literally) from this whole thing (shortly). You open your mouth to speak but realize she's been talking for the last thirty seconds about something. You have no idea what, but you just agree with her and say you've got to go. She asks for your name.
 Run now.
 Tell her your name.
 Change the topic to the next thing you notice.
And are they not supposed to look like that?
Wow, a black person isn't winning.
You dive headfirst into the bushes, clumsily. Hiding is a thing you find yourself doing a load more often than you used to. Like good golly galoshes in gumshoes doing grape gushing and guffawing goodly. This and your wheelhouse are in different states completely. Oh right, hiding. You continue not moving since all that movement was in your thoughts. You hope to god your ass isn't showing out the end of the bush. You hear a window sliding closed. You're pretty sure you have nothing to worry about now. You also think you hear him mumbling about potheads. Oh god, he heard you but didn't recognize that you were listening in on him. This is the greatest thing ever. You are safe. While you sit there, contemplating your life decisions a voice does call out in your general direction, you recognize it in a less pleasant way that you'd wish and a more pleasant way that if it were Nate. You crawl through the bushes and emerge facing the girl that was talking to Nate. She's looking down at you more than literally right now, you can just tell. Her expression is a little confused.
She asks you what you're doing there, on the ground, like an idiot. You tell her you're looking for your dignity, it fell into a sarcasm. She laughs at your horrible joke and helps you to your feet. It's nice knowing some strangers are not totally out to get you. While you're at it you grab your purse. Other recent experiences have taught you important lessons to living your life as a piece of degenerate scum. She's talking again. She's asking you again. Damn, you can't even deflect a simple question. You consider running away. You consider it, but you know she looks more athletic than you (not hard). You tell her you were just chilling out here since you just got off work. It's sorta kinda maybe true in someone's world. Are you a TA? She asks you. Yes. Yes, you are.
She asks whose. You tell her the name of that adjunct prof you met earlier. She frowns and says she doesn't like her. You say it's just business. She tells you that she thought she saw someone outside the window while she was talking to Nate. You tell her that you were probably that person, not that you'd noticed there were people in the building, you totally just wanted to get away from it all. Yeah. She doesn't look suspicious or anything, but you know, she's acting like she's a little suspicious of you. You ask her if she's suspicious. She is. You ask why? She can't tell you. You don't ask anymore. There's an awkward silence. It's better than the awkward nonsilence you just went through at least.
 Pretend you have something to do.
 Ask her about herself.
 Walk away silently.
You don't have the time and mental energy left to actually walk all the way around and give them a chance to arrange themselves when you knock on the door. That ain't your life. You take a deep breath and gather your courage before turning around and creeping up the wall like some kind of caterpillar. Slowly. Slowly. Slow. L. Y. You're face to face with the blinds now and you can't see shit captain. Your fingers creep up to the blinds like some other kind of caterpillar, or maybe a spider? Yeah, a spider. Your spider hand gently brushes against the blinds, finding its footing (fingering? (ew?)) before quietly drawing a single slat down the cord so you can only just barely see into the room when you lean in.
You can see Nate facing towards your right and a girl facing towards your left. She's way too pretty for him. Not that you think anyone isn't. Nate is such a piece of shit. They're not touching or anything, they're at a respectable distance. Oh hey, you can even hear them now, too. That's great. She's telling him he needs to come clean (juicy). He's telling her to please be reasonable. She's telling him that what's unreasonable is keeping it a secret. He's telling her it's his personal problem. She's telling him that it's about to be everyone else's problem. He's warning her not to tell. She's saying she won't need to tell, it'll get out on its own. You're utterly confused. She storms out of the room at this point.
Nate looks stressed (score). He glances over your way and starts walking towards the window, presumably to close it.
 Say hi.
 Run away.
You decide that you've come so far that it'd be a little pointless to just give it up here. You look around (surreptitiously). Eventually, you find your way to his office again after having walked (wandered) about so much. You take a look through the window, it's covered. Suspicious? You decide to first listen at the door or rather the wall since the cinder block walls are a better conductor of sound than a door. You hear something, it doesn't sound characteristic of an affair (that you know of). It's kinda like steps? It's like something's moving but not... vigorously. It's subtle. You consider just opening the door but there could be repercussions if you do. Taking the more diplomatic route, you head outside to the window, which is open with the blinds down when you find it. Hopefully, dropping eaves will be a tad easier here. You'd feel really awkward just sitting under this first floor window if you hadn't had a lines of low hedge and shrubbery encircling the building, keeping you out of view.
As you listen in again you have a better... uh, it's not a vantage point if you're listening right? It's a... it's a... whatever it's called, you have acoustical advantage here that you lacked before and it tells you. That there are two people in the room. Well, at least two who are talking. One is clearly Nate, score on not fucking up which window to listen at. The other is someone you don't recognize (duh). From the timbre of their voice you assume it's a younger girl, like a student probably. You try to remember if you heard anything about what classes he taught by name. No such luck. The conversation is less than fragmented to you over even the light ambient noise of the campus at dusk and you're not even sure of the tone. You frown to yourself, this isn't helping a thing and more importantly it's still something that would upset Jeanne even more if it's all you tell her as inane as that is. You're gonna have to do something to crack this case open eventually.
 Try to look inside.
 Go back to the door and enter.
 Call it a day.
It is, you need to grovel for an invite.
Keeping with the sketch as fuck theme you quickly flip through your mental notes and try to remember what Jeanne's other half does and looks like and just generally who he is. Nate was Jeanne's 3rd and 5th college boyfriend. Jeanne was Nate's 1st and 2nd college girlfriend (and just girlfriend girlfriend.) Nate is a math guy, basically he's tall, skinny, autistic, and actually pretty good looking. If you're just talking about appearances, the second he stands up straight he's basically a model. If you're just talking about appearances. If you're talking about his personality, you hate him. He's inconsiderate, messy, impossible to schedule around, impossible to eat dinner with, and to top it all off he always gets your name wrong. He works at a university as an adjunct professor a few blocks away so you take a look over there first.
It takes you a while to figure out where the math department is and it takes you a while to find out where his office is and it takes you a while to decide how you're going to approach this situation. Gameplan: You talk to the other professors like you're one of his TAs, you're young enough to pull that off (right?)
First, you run into a female professor (also adjunct) and start talking to her. She seems tired. Like really tired. Like she hasn't slept in about ten days. You start talking to her to get a feel for her place in the hierarchy and how much you can get out of her (like a pro.) She is named something you can't follow through her fatigued slurring and English accent (probably Indian.) She seems like she knows Nate somehow and you try to strike at that more. Ultimately, she tells you nothing too important other than that Nate seems to spend a lot of time at Office Hours without any TAs.
You tell her a fake name and keep looking around. After a lot of snooping you are able to piece together a few things. Nate doesn't have enough time to be having an affair if it's not here based on some of Jeanne's comments.
Next you should...
 Find Nate.
 Knock off for today and go home.
 Knock off for today and meet up with someone else.
I hope you play with people who don't follow the rules.
Rolling for stats.
Kill me now.
Matt's Message: "Hey, wanna hang out again this weekend? What kind of place would work though, we kinda still don't know each other?"
Jeanne's Message: "have u found anthing out yet?im dying liek lirtealy FREEKINg out PLeas txt me back ASPA!!!"
Roommate's Message: "hey roommate do you still know that guy who resells cars? its not for me or anything dont worry or nothing but i do need to know soonish oh yeah also i got your book from college finished ill give it back when we next meet"
You make note to check what places you like and what places you find socially acceptable to meet people and look (desperately) for overlap before you table answering Matt for the moment. You roll your eyes at Jeanne's message and (completely) ignore it for the time being. Finally, you read Roommate's message and look over at Anton (stealthily). One of his side jobs used to be flipping cars for quick money. You ask him if he still does that. No. He stopped when he found out he needed a license or something to do that at the scale he was working at. So it was all under the table. Anton is probably the biggest criminal you've ever met. Second biggest. Second biggest. He asks you why you're suddenly such a NARC about it. You tell him it's for a friend not a fed (probably). He narrows his eyes and says he can still fix cars for a fee, cash only. You text back Roommate that you'll talk more about the details but the guy is still around and he still does the work. You sound sketch as fuck.
When work is over you have some time to make some decisions.
 Call Matt.
 Call Roommate.
 Talk to Anton.
 Become a serial stalker for a friend.
I'm not in jail! Yet.
: Before you have much of a chance to really process your last conversation Anton says he's going ahead and picks up his check. You sit there alone for what feels like minutes (but is actually about 30 seconds.) You finally, get up and leave as well. You don't see Anton on the way back to work, he walks fast. Like he should be an Olympic speedwalker, like damn. You frown slightly, Anton may be the only person you trust at work, but you wonder very often if your trust is... misplaced. You know basically nothing about this guy other than is utter contempt for social establishments and "norms".
Back at work, you talk about as much as usual (so not at all.) Work goes by slowly until you get a text message, immediately followed by another text message. One from Matt, one from Jeanne. Oh, and now one from Roommate.
You have time to read all three and reply to one right now, so you should...
 Reply to Matt.
 Reply to Jeanne.
 Reply to Roommate.
I can't see the rainbows, all your names are just invisible to me. This is the optimal solution.
After what feels like ages of silence you speak up. You want to ask him about Matt, but that would be a little on the nose so you start with something else. First, you ask him about how his Light Ghosts runs are going. He frowns and starts grumbling about "that fucking Frenchman" or something. Soon he transitions into explaining a new movement tech he discovered and named 'reverse hill canceling' which has the potential to cut a total of thirty seconds off his run. He's thinking of sharing it but doesn't want to get one upped. After a few minutes of his tirades he transitions again into telling you that you should improve yourself as a human being by playing more good games. You tell him there's still a lot of things you have to finish and you don't have time to get good. He scoffs at you and asks what better things you have to do.
Perfect, you then move on to ask him about stealth. He asks if you mean like Plastic Cog or like harassment if you get caught. The latter (unfortunately). He nods and closes his eyes. The best way to stalk someone is to look at public information, a lot of people are constantly giving away their position with this so called "social media" and so on. But if you have to find them physically, it's best to have a spotter at a large distance to make sure you don't lose them when they move erratically but still maintain close proximity for eavesdropping. You make mental notes on this and ask if he has experience (tentatively). He does and you may not ask where from.
You nervously change the subject to yesterday. You tell him about what happened yesterday but neglect to mention you saw him. Anton tells you he knows because he saw you. Oh. You ask him why he didn't say anything. It didn't seem important. So what does he think. That you're awkward and terrible. Anything else? No, there's no reason to change yourself in any way. When dealing with people in any capacity you should just ignore other people, if they like you they will reach out first. You stare. Lunch is almost over.
 Go back to work.
 Place a call to ________.
 Talk to Anton some more.
People don't need to make a porn version of Dedede because he's already perfect.