I looked down at my hands as they shook, anxiety like venom running through my veins. I looked up again to see Chris, the love of my life, my sweet prince, everything good in my world, kissing her; Maddi, a sweet, petite girl that walked around with sunshine on her shoulders. They were so perfect together, sunshine and my sweet prince. They belonged together, like potatoes and butter; no, more saintly, like a modernized Romeo and Juliet, minus the terrible, foreshadowed tragedy. Chris looked at me, his deep brown eyes full of sadness. He pitied me, I could see this clearly, but I didn’t know what to say. Even Maddi felt terrible. They both knew how I felt, however, I had no resentment towards either of them. Chris, well, I love him far too much to be angry with him. Even when he broke my heart in two, rubbing the remains in my face, I couldn’t be mad at him, and Maddi, she didn’t agree to date him out of spite. In fact, she considered me before saying yes. I sat, watching them, so happy, wishing I could have the same happiness. My lip quivered at the thought, and I imagined myself there, under my sweet prince’s arm, and I fought back tears, knowing it would never happen again, and feeling guilty at the thought. I didn’t want then to separate, that wouldn’t make me happier. I just wish he had chosen me. He wouldn’t have chosen me though. I don’t have Maddi’s pretty dark golden locks, or her light brown freckles, sprayed heavily across her nose, or her small, perfect body. Instead, I have random freckles, I weigh almost two-hundred pounds, and my hair is short and choppy. Why would my sweet prince want that? I couldn’t even love myself, why would he love me? I looked into his eyes and smiled, acting as if nothing was wrong, masking everything in my face, but I knew he could still see the pain in my eyes. I left it there on purpose. That’s the selfish, ugly, twisted side of me I suppose. I still wanted them to see how much they hurt me. I didn’t want them to forget just yet. Sunshine and my sweet prince smiled back at me, pretending they didn’t notice the sadness, but I could see it reflected in their own eyes, their hearts aching for me as well, before they turned back to each other, their smiles turning more genuine as I waited for the lunch bell to ring. They loved me, they really did, but how much longer would they deal with me before they grew tired of it? All of these thoughts consumed me as I waited for my next class, iPod headphones in my ears, volume turned up as high as it could go. Even at max volume, the iPod wasn’t loud enough to block out my thoughts, and I shed a tear at the aspect of it. I didn’t want to spend every day like this, but I had no choice. It was sit with friends that love and care about me, or sit alone. No matter how much it hurt, I couldn’t sit anywhere else, for I love Chris and Maddi too, and I didn’t want to leave them. The bell rang then, and grateful, I got up quickly and walked to my next class, desperately wishing for the day to be over. Foolish as it may have been, I had never loved someone as much as I loved my sweet prince. He’s the only one who makes me laugh or even smile anymore. I just wish he understood the extent of my feelings for him, I wish he loved me like he loves his sunshine. Our past doesn’t even matter to him, but I cherished the memories that I had left. I won’t ever forget what we once had. I sank into my computer chair for my post-lunch course, and sighed, wishing this year could just be over. -------------------------------------------- Just something I wrote last year. Critique?
Wow. That was a little heartbreaking to read. I could feel the amount of emotion you had put into this, making it a lot better than just a random sad, love story. The length was perfect for this kind of one-shot and it was something I couldn't stop reading. Now, your first paragraph had several run-on sentences. I think it would have been a lot better if you had replaced this comma with a semi-colon. The first part and the second part just sound like two separate sentences. Adding another semi-colon would probably be too much so I think rewording it and separating them would be a little better. When I first read it, it sounded like a run-on but then the second time, it sounded a little different. But anyway, your writing is lovely and I enjoyed reading this.
Wow, thank you so much, I usually don't even think of semi-colons when I write. I think I fixed everything right, though I didn't reword any of the first paragraph. I wasn't sure what to reword. I'm still learning on working with more advanced grammar. So semi-colons are good for separating run-on sentences when commas can't quite do it? I'm assuming it has to do with subject and noun placement as well. And I'm glad you like it. At the time I wrote this, I was, well... I was extremely emotional. I'm way over it now, and wanted to post it because it's one of the few things I've looked back at and gone, "Hey, I want to know what other people think of this."
